OH, HEY THERE!
It’s me, Deadpool.
I suppose you’re wondering what I’m doing on Alex’s blog. Well, to tell you the truth, he’s spent the night being my personal gimp boy, and now I thought I’d stop by to his blog to advertise my movie!
Hey, ‘Xander. Did you like being hit by my smooth criminals? Man, it’s like the Eden Project down there (I’m the serpent).
Anyway, people. We can’t this put this off any longer. Just like the urge to pee when you’re about to achieve full-on unicorn. My movie is awesome. Seriously, it’s a really sentimental family movie encouraging pacificism. It’s full of important life lessons, like “violence solves nothing” and “respect women”. It’s disgusting what’s in modern movies these days. Like rape jokes. There are no rape, stalking or transphobia jokes in my movie. Trust me, I’m a superhero. We never lie. Honestly, if you’re offended by it, get back to Tumblr. It stars Ryan Reynolds, who once spent an entire film in a coffin just to see if anyone would care (they didn’t). He was in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but I don’t talk about that. But then again – I couldn’t, could I? Anyway, I broke into 20th Century Fox and killed the producer that made that decision, and then fucked his wife all night. Good thing I kept the mask on. I look about as good as Sony’s film division right now. But then, you should thank Marvel. Had they not sold my rights to Fox, this may never have happened. It’s just a shame they forever keep me from the love of my life, Spider-Man. Boy, I love masturbating to his theme music. Can Danny Elfman score a porno sometime? I feel like more of a corporate slave than the fan boys that will only see DC movies. Only, I enjoy being a slave, ’cause I find it kinky. And I know kinky – I grew up with Nickelodeon. That’s how sexy my movie is, just without the talking. And we’re not talking Chiwetel Ejiofor slavery here. Although, he is in Doctor Strange. Eggs Benedict Cumberbund can work his magic on me any time. Nu-uh, madame, I’m talking balls-to-the-wall, balls-in-mouth, cum-against-the-walls leather-bondage shit. I kinkshame conventional fucking. But can you really blame me? Superheroes are erotic. Why do you think they wear so much Spandex? It’s why I have so many X-Men fantasies. I want to put Quicksilver in a mud pit with Mystique and see who surenders quickest. And I ain’t talkin’ present timeline, either. It’s so damn confusing. Nang-damnit, I want Evan Peters to fuck Jennifer Lawrence, that’s what I’m on about. And the winner gets to bed Nightcrawler. God. Kodi Smit-McPhee is more eatable than an ice cream chimichanga. He’s 19, too. Just like ‘Xander. Can you believe he replaced Alan Cumming? Which, incidentally, is what I’m gonna make ‘Xander do right after I’ve finished taking over his blog. You know who should’ve worn tight-ass spandex? Hugh Jacked Man. Guy never did. God, I want him to put his claws right up me like an adamantium dildo. Let’s see whose healing factor breaks first. Spoiler alert – his does. I always win, and do you adorable little puppies wanna know why?
I’ll tell you.
CAUSE I’M MOTHERFUCKIN’ DEADPOOL!
Alright, popsicles. Nighty-night. Don’t let the bed bugs bite. Unless you’re turned-on by that sort of thing – in which case, feel free to send some photos. Trust me, it won’t be anything I ain’t already seen. And I’ve seen Clark Gregg (NUDE!).
Byesie-daisies! Gonna go give ‘Xander an angry handy-J.
– D. P.