Why I don’t read comic books

Normally, I tend to focus on motion pictures with These Things, but a large trend in cinema currently is comic book adaptations. Upcoming this year are Avengers: Age of UltronAnt-ManFantastic FourKingsman: the Secret Service and The Peanuts Movie, all of which are adaptations of comic books. And they’re also the most successful, as well as generally being of the most interest to audiences and news sites. And the reason, from what I’ve observed, seems to be because Marvel Studios have decided to launch a series of comic book adaptations using the same structure as comic books themselves, with characters having their own series, which interconnect with each-other. So any comic book being released this month is likely to be part of a larger, ongoing story and that we’re only seeing that character’s perspective of it.

And yet, I don’t read comic books. The main reason is because I don’t want to bring that external element into it. I figure that if I followed comic book storylines, then it would alter my perception of the adaptations, in the same way as a novel would. For example, there’s a Marvel fanatic I unfortunately know. And he’s quite obsessed with accuracy. He once said that the reason Marvel need to follow the Winter Soldier storyline of making him the next Captain America after Steve Rogers dies is, in a nutshell, because that was the events that happened in the comic books. Do you know something? I don’t care. I just don’t care. When I saw Captain America: the Winter Soldier, I knew nothing about that villain. When I saw Guardians of the Galaxy, I knew nothing about them either. But both were still entertaining. And as someone whose biggest interest is motion pictures, I find that having that knowledge there – of the lore, and the continuity – would create an undesired conflict of interest. So I just don’t read them. Because I want to be surprised. I don’t want to know what’s coming. All I want is a good story. And, as someone who’s never read a single comic book, I can tell you: their adaptations still manage to entertain me.

It’s time to cancel Top Gear

The media’s been talking about it for months. We’ve all heard it. The Top Gear Patagonia Special, and its infamous ending. Jeremy Clarkson’s registration plate H982 FKL was alleged to have caused offence during their trip through Argentina to the point that an angry mob ambushed the production crew, forcing them to flee the country. The Argentinian Ambassador demanded an apology from the BBC, the mainstream newspapers took their chosen sides in the debate, and the presenters denied any attempt at causing offence.

Tonight, the episode aired – Patagonia Special, Part Two. For the first time, the crew became involved with the show’s narrative – while Clarkson, Hammond and May fled back to the UK, the team on the ground were left to fend for themselves, through a barrage of rocks and missiles in a police escort. Three cars were abandoned. The show ended with a constructed scene, inspired by Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; having spent the night in the San Vicente Canton house where Robert Parker fought and was allegedly killed, the Top Gear Team returned, before emerging from the barn to the sounds of gunfire over a sepia freezeframe of their escape attempt. And that’s what gets my goat.

Top Gear began as a motoring show. It was factual, and reviewed cars, with practical challenges to test the different factors a driver may judge. But this episode was the last straw for me, because it’s really the last, desperate attempt at entertainment. And it’s what made me realise: that’s what’s been lacking from the show for a long time.

Episode one involved a review of the Citroen Berlingo Multispace, a race between the Pagani Zonda and Lamborghini Murcielago, a review of the Mazda6, a speed camera efficiency test, and a Star in a Reasonably Priced Car – a pretty good format still running, last time they had Aaron Paul.

The latest episode, one-hundred-and-sixty-seven was the fourth consecutive episode in-which the presenters travelled through an ambitious location, with excuses to be slapstick and not at all relevant to the show’s premise. This time, they were travelling through the Patagonia region of South America. Certain “jokes” involved Clarkson and Hammond giving May a pet toy horse after May fell off a horse and cracked three ribs. Horses aren’t cars. May named the horse “Brokeback”, referring to a previous incident in-which Clarkson named Hammond Brokeback after a cowboy hat he was wearing. Most of the other jokes also involved references to previous episodes. Hammond arrived back at camp with a dead cow tied to his roof, as Clarkson did in episode seventy-seven, US Special. In  the same episode, each decorated the other cars’ with provocative language, eg: “Hillary for President”. This time, Hammond and May collaborated on some less-than-amusing decorations for Clarkson’s offending Porsche 928, the anti-funny only amplified by Hammond’s cartoonish hooter. They were big in the seventies, now they’re just annoying. But it’s not that. Hammond also attached the 928’s rear brake light to the dashboard and Clarkson declared he’d break “every bone in their groins”. Just how he warned May that decorating Hammond’s bike would make him “apocalyptically cross”. But it’s not just that. They also built a bridge across a river, in the same manner as their infamous Burma Special, in-which they built a bridge that gathered controversy over Clarkson describing the “slope on it” as a Burmese man crossed. In this episode, Clarkson asked if the bridge was “straight”, prompting an immediate “Yes!” from Hammond to avoid any more (condemned) accusations of homophobia… Incidentally, Clarkson began his question with “It’s a proud moment, but…”, the same way he began describing the former bridge.

What Top Gear is doing is now doing is self-cannibalism. Humour is a finite resource, and Top Gear‘s finally run-out. And rather than actually being infocational, it’s deciding to reuse parts and just hope nobody notices. Well I have. You can’t just decide to continue a show for the sake of it, powered by its own momentum now the fuel tank’s empty. There needs to be a real reason for making the show, for sending three buffoons out to a controversial location for the sake of being controversial. You can’t expect your audience to be happy just by reminding them how the show used to be. In fact, this episode, if anything, has made me realise that maybe it just wasn’t very interesting in the first place…

The final scene, shot in cinemascope, with high contrast and dark tones, was the final shot of the episode. It was knowingly fake, and did so as an homage to the movie. But the final assault showed the thirty-one strong camera crew involved in production of the show. The show maintains the pretence that there are few of them in the wilderness, with scare staff, who mustn’t interfere. But the revelation of how big the operation is just goes to show that Top Gear isn’t genuine. It’s a literal vehicle for the presenters. The show’s no longer about the cars, it’s about the three idiots trying to be even stupider than last time. It’s getting to the point where it’s just insulting to my intelligence.

Any show that insults my intelligence shouldn’t be on television. Unfortunately, the Series 9 finale had BBC Two’s highest ratings in a decade, and Autoblog reveals the waiting list for studio recording tickets were enough to record twenty-one years’ worth of further episodes. And the show’s topped DVD charts, as well as generating enviable YouTube views from BBC Worldwide. So I guess it’s going to be with us for a while.

But if I’m the only person who actually cares about the quality of BBC programming, then FINE.

2014’s most viewed trailers (according to the Hollywood Reporter)

Original article.

Pitch Perfect 2 (Kay Cannon)

Mad Max: Fury Road (George Miller/Brendan McCarthy/Nico Lathouris)

The Hunger Games: Mockinjay Part 1 (Danny Strong/Peter Craig)

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (Mark Bomback/Rick Jaffa/Amanda Silver)

Sex Tape (Kate Angelo/Jason Segal/Nicholas Stoller)

Dracula Untold (Matt Sazama/Burk Sharpless)

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Simon Kinberg)

The Fault in Our Stars (Scott Neustadter/Michael H. Weber)

Transformers: Age of Extinction (Ehren Kruger)

Interstellar (Jonathan Nolan/Christopher Nolan)

Dumb and Dumber To (Peter Farrelly/Bobby Farrelly/Sean Anders/John Morris/Bennett Yellin/Mike Cerrone)

The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (Fran Walsh/Philippa Boyens/Peter Jackson/Guillermo del Toro)

Minions (Bryan Lynch)

Furious 7 (Chris Morgan)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Josh Appelbaum/André Nemec/Evan Daugherty)

Jurassic World (Derek Connolly/Trevor Trevorrow)

Avengers: Age of Ultron (Joss Whedon)

Star Wars (Episode VII): The Force Awakens (Lawrence Kasdan, J.J. Abrams)

Fifty Shades of Grey (Kelly Marcel)